Teach kids to make the right choices for the right reasons

We're teaching kids the wrong motivation

I understand the need for incentives. For some tasks or accomplishments, rewards and rewards charts are appropriate motivation for kids. But the practice has gotten so pervasive, we aren’t teaching kids to make good choices for the right reasons. They are learning how to make a good choice to get the reward, instead of making a good choice because it feels good to do the right thing.

Why I swore off rewards charts

One day I banned all rewards charts from my house. I considered a massive bonfire ceremony, but settled instead for a huffy lecture about making good choices for the right reasons. What was the straw on this camel’s back? For a few days in a row, my kids were bickering and constantly being mean to each other. In an attempt to help them see how negative they were being, I told them that for every negative comment they made, they’d lose a point. For every positive comment or action, they’d gain a point. At the end of the day, whoever had the most points would win something. I didn’t even tell them what they’d win. It didn’t matter.

Instantly, one of my children started saying nice things to one of the others. There were outrageous compliments (Really? You’ve always admired the color your brother chose for his room?). I even heard one offer to do another's chores. But here’s the thing. It wasn’t sincere. It wasn’t being done out of some epiphany about being kind. It was about the points. It was about the prize.

Making good choices for the right reasons

From that day forward we had a new policy in the house. We would make a good choice because it was the right thing to do. And we would relish the feelings that came with having made a choice we were proud of. As parents, we would pay more attention to the motivation or intent behind the kids’ choices than the surface-level show of it.

To support this new policy, we made a point of helping the kids notice how they felt when they made bad choices, and how they felt when they made good choices.

• When they made a bad choice and were sad, we applauded them for noticing the signals their conscience was sending. We encouraged them to remember how tight their hearts felt and how disappointed they were—because that is what would keep them from making the same mistake twice. We taught them not to dwell on the bad feeling, but to learn from their experiences and use it to help them choose better next time.
• When they were in a challenging or tempting situation but did the right thing, we hugged and celebrated how good they felt. We talked about how their heart soared and how they felt proud for having done the hard—but right—thing.

Of course, they still made mistakes. They still had moments of success and failure. But along the way, they learned to be honest with themselves about their motivation, and they learned to take responsibility for their own actions. They weren't perfect then and they're not perfect now. But they started coming home from school to proudly tell me occasions throughout the day when they could’ve made a bad choice, but instead made a good choice. And they were so proud of themselves for it. That's better than any rewards chart.